In our society, roughly 45% to 50% of first marriages end in a divorce (Guerrero 2014) and about 15% get married more than once. Usually children come out of marriages so when parents get a divorce and remarry afterwards, children need to learn to interact with their stepsiblings (Elllis & Kreider 2011). This requires effort and as we will learn, there are several steps that every building relationship follows. For instance, in order to have a good relationship with your step sibling it is important to be able to communicate properly, to be open-minded and accepting of the turning points that this relationship will bring and to understand that building a strong relationship with a step sibling is a process and this it will not "just happen".
I Don’t Want a Step-Sister/Brother
It may be difficult for stepsiblings to get along at first. Some of the reasons for this include, the rivalry among stepsiblings, sharing a room with a stepsibling when before you had your own room and getting disciplinary sanctions from the adult that is not the parent. (American Academy of Pediatrics 2015). There are ways to try and have a better relationship with your stepsiblings and as we will see, communication plays a crucial role.
Communication is Key
Every relationship requires effort from both individuals. Stepsiblings need to learn to live together and building a comfortable relationship is a way to make this interaction more enjoyable for everyone in a household. Five types of communication skills have been identified to help people build new relationships with other people (Guerrero 2014).
1. Relationship initiation
2. Self-disclosure
3. Emotional support
4. Negative assertion
5. Conflict management skills
These five communication skills will lead to a more harmonious living environment because initiating a relationship with a stepsibling is crucial especially if the parents are serious about each other. So getting to know your new “sibling” is important. Once the initiation phase is complete, self-disclosure and emotional support help build the relationship and make it stronger. It will lead to a well-rounded relationship, as if stepsiblings were becoming friends. If you’ve never had a sibling, then you may not necessarily know this but siblings tend to see your positive side but also your negative side. So once you have a stepsibling it’s important for you to be comfortable around them and for you to be accepting of their negative qualities. That is, there will be times when you will say no to them, stand up for yourself when something isn’t going right and tell your stepsibling that they aren’t being nice to you. These negative assertions are bound to happen and it’s important for each stepsibling to be aware and accepting of this. This, in turn, also leads to the ability to manage conflicts that are likely to occur between stepsiblings. Being able to manage these communication skills will only benefit the relationship.
It may be difficult for stepsiblings to get along at first. Some of the reasons for this include, the rivalry among stepsiblings, sharing a room with a stepsibling when before you had your own room and getting disciplinary sanctions from the adult that is not the parent. (American Academy of Pediatrics 2015). There are ways to try and have a better relationship with your stepsiblings and as we will see, communication plays a crucial role.
Communication is Key
Every relationship requires effort from both individuals. Stepsiblings need to learn to live together and building a comfortable relationship is a way to make this interaction more enjoyable for everyone in a household. Five types of communication skills have been identified to help people build new relationships with other people (Guerrero 2014).
1. Relationship initiation
2. Self-disclosure
3. Emotional support
4. Negative assertion
5. Conflict management skills
These five communication skills will lead to a more harmonious living environment because initiating a relationship with a stepsibling is crucial especially if the parents are serious about each other. So getting to know your new “sibling” is important. Once the initiation phase is complete, self-disclosure and emotional support help build the relationship and make it stronger. It will lead to a well-rounded relationship, as if stepsiblings were becoming friends. If you’ve never had a sibling, then you may not necessarily know this but siblings tend to see your positive side but also your negative side. So once you have a stepsibling it’s important for you to be comfortable around them and for you to be accepting of their negative qualities. That is, there will be times when you will say no to them, stand up for yourself when something isn’t going right and tell your stepsibling that they aren’t being nice to you. These negative assertions are bound to happen and it’s important for each stepsibling to be aware and accepting of this. This, in turn, also leads to the ability to manage conflicts that are likely to occur between stepsiblings. Being able to manage these communication skills will only benefit the relationship.
Pop Quiz
Which of the following is not a communication skill that helps build relationships?
a. Self-disclosure
b. Relationship initiation
c. Conflict management skills
d. Neglectfulness
Which of the following is not a communication skill that helps build relationships?
a. Self-disclosure
b. Relationship initiation
c. Conflict management skills
d. Neglectfulness
Turning Points for Siblings
In a study conducted by Paige Herrick on sibling relationship, his research brought about 6 different turning points in a sibling relationship. These turning points can be applied to step siblings because even though stepsiblings are not related by blood they will live in the same environment for a better part of their lives if parents meet when they are young. A turning point is any event or occurrence that is associated with change in a relationship (Guerrero 2014). The six turning points identified throughout the study were:
1. Support
2. Physical Distance
3. Shared Activity
4. Maturation
5. Parents get a Divorce
6. Fighting
2. Physical Distance
3. Shared Activity
4. Maturation
5. Parents get a Divorce
6. Fighting
Support
According to Herrick, support is one of the most important turning points for siblings. Supporting each other is being there for the other person in a time of need. This helps siblings and stepsiblings get closer and depend on each other. For example, taking care of your stepsibling when they are sick, is most likely to affect the relationship in a positive way. Another way to support a stepsibling is helping them out when they are having difficulty with something. For example, you could help a younger stepsibling get better at a sport.
Physical Distance
Physical distance can be another turning point. After spending many years in the same household as your stepsibling it can be hard when one moves out or goes off to college. Not seeing a stepsibling as much can decrease the closeness that they once shared in the relationship. However, it can also have the opposite affect and strengthen the relationship because each will realize how important their stepsibling is to them, so they will maintain high levels of communication.
Shared activities
A way that stepsiblings can become closer is by participating in the same activities. For instance, going on trips as a whole family can help bring the family as a whole closer. Having to work on a project with your stepsibling or playing sports together can also bring you closer to your stepbrother or stepsister. Participating in shared activities together allows stepsiblings a chance to connect without the distractions of other family members (Herrick 2008). So reach out, and go do something new with your stepbrother or stepsister, you might discover that you have more in common than you thought and it will also be a good opportunity to get closer to them.
Maturation
When we are young, we do not necessarily understand the importance of having siblings or stepsiblings. That is why maturation is another turning point for stepsibling relationships. As youngsters we love getting into fights with our siblings and annoying them and we don’t value spending time with them as much as spending time with our friends from school. However, as we grow up, we realize that having a sibling or a stepsibling is one of the best things in the world because they will always be there for you. By the time we mature, we have gone through a lot of things with our siblings or stepsiblings, so we come to understand all that they have done for us and this leads us to realize that having a best friend isn’t necessary because we already have one in our stepbrother or stepsister.
Divorce Parent or Remarry
If you’re an only child, then having a stepsibling is a turning point of it’s own because you now have to share your parents attention with another sibling. It’s also important to note that parents getting a divorce also affect the closeness of biological siblings. The reason for this is because they now have to deal with the physical distance between thems and they have to learn to build a new relationship with their new stepbrother(s) and/or stepsisters. In this instance, it’s crucial for biological siblings to use communication to maintain their relationship, and to be open minded about having new stepsiblings.
Fighting
A fight between siblings is something that every family is accustomed to. The degree of how intense the fight is usually what varies. When siblings and stepsiblings forgive their stepbrother or stepsister they usually become closer because of that fight. However, if they hold a grudge, the relationship is likely to de-escalate. So, whenever an issue comes up in the relationship, be sure to address it and use good communication skills because fixing up the issue is likely to lead to an increase in closeness.
According to Herrick, support is one of the most important turning points for siblings. Supporting each other is being there for the other person in a time of need. This helps siblings and stepsiblings get closer and depend on each other. For example, taking care of your stepsibling when they are sick, is most likely to affect the relationship in a positive way. Another way to support a stepsibling is helping them out when they are having difficulty with something. For example, you could help a younger stepsibling get better at a sport.
Physical Distance
Physical distance can be another turning point. After spending many years in the same household as your stepsibling it can be hard when one moves out or goes off to college. Not seeing a stepsibling as much can decrease the closeness that they once shared in the relationship. However, it can also have the opposite affect and strengthen the relationship because each will realize how important their stepsibling is to them, so they will maintain high levels of communication.
Shared activities
A way that stepsiblings can become closer is by participating in the same activities. For instance, going on trips as a whole family can help bring the family as a whole closer. Having to work on a project with your stepsibling or playing sports together can also bring you closer to your stepbrother or stepsister. Participating in shared activities together allows stepsiblings a chance to connect without the distractions of other family members (Herrick 2008). So reach out, and go do something new with your stepbrother or stepsister, you might discover that you have more in common than you thought and it will also be a good opportunity to get closer to them.
Maturation
When we are young, we do not necessarily understand the importance of having siblings or stepsiblings. That is why maturation is another turning point for stepsibling relationships. As youngsters we love getting into fights with our siblings and annoying them and we don’t value spending time with them as much as spending time with our friends from school. However, as we grow up, we realize that having a sibling or a stepsibling is one of the best things in the world because they will always be there for you. By the time we mature, we have gone through a lot of things with our siblings or stepsiblings, so we come to understand all that they have done for us and this leads us to realize that having a best friend isn’t necessary because we already have one in our stepbrother or stepsister.
Divorce Parent or Remarry
If you’re an only child, then having a stepsibling is a turning point of it’s own because you now have to share your parents attention with another sibling. It’s also important to note that parents getting a divorce also affect the closeness of biological siblings. The reason for this is because they now have to deal with the physical distance between thems and they have to learn to build a new relationship with their new stepbrother(s) and/or stepsisters. In this instance, it’s crucial for biological siblings to use communication to maintain their relationship, and to be open minded about having new stepsiblings.
Fighting
A fight between siblings is something that every family is accustomed to. The degree of how intense the fight is usually what varies. When siblings and stepsiblings forgive their stepbrother or stepsister they usually become closer because of that fight. However, if they hold a grudge, the relationship is likely to de-escalate. So, whenever an issue comes up in the relationship, be sure to address it and use good communication skills because fixing up the issue is likely to lead to an increase in closeness.
Step-Siblings Coming TogetherAll relationships need to start from somewhere. Knapp’s & Vangelisti came up with a model to explain how relationships form and also how they end. For this, we will focus solely on how relationships are built. According to this model there are 5 steps that are associated with building a relationship but for sibling relationships there are only 4 that are relevant. There is
· Initiating · Experimenting · Intensifying · Integrating |
Initiating
For a relationship to happen, there needs to be some sort of acknowledgement of the other. In other words, the relationship needs to start somewhere. So for example, when you meet your stepsister or stepbrother those first couple of encounters are meant to get to know general things about them. You’re most likely to exchange names, how old you are and some superficial information about something.
Experimenting
Once, the first encounters have been accomplished. The next step is getting to know your stepsibling a little bit more. So this involves talking about a wide range of topics and revealing some stuff about yourself but not going in depth about anything. In other words, you are experimenting to see if this relationship has a potential to be a close one.
Intensifying
After experimenting with your stepsibling you may feel like there is a special connection between you two and you might want to get closer to them. This involves intensifying the relationship. This can be done by disclosing personal information about yourself and involving more emotional disclosure. For instance, you guys could have a deep conversation about how you felt when you realized that your mom or dad was getting married to someone new. You could reveal your insecurities about having a new family and this will bring you closer to your stepsibling, but only if this is a two way street.
Integrating
By this time, stepsiblings are close to each other and do a lot of activities together. They hang out a lot and are almost referred to as a dyad. One usually does not go without the other. This means that there is a “we” in the relationship and that your family and extended family know that you get along really well with your new stepsister or stepbrother.
Although relationships need to constantly be worked on, it is important to understand that not all relationships follow these four steps in order. There may be times when at the start of this new family environment you stepsibling finds you crying in the staircase and you decide to self disclose how emotionally hard this living situation is for you to him or her even though you don’t really know them. However, throughout the relationship you will experiment to see if your self-disclosure was a good idea and if you can repeat this as the years go by.
For a relationship to happen, there needs to be some sort of acknowledgement of the other. In other words, the relationship needs to start somewhere. So for example, when you meet your stepsister or stepbrother those first couple of encounters are meant to get to know general things about them. You’re most likely to exchange names, how old you are and some superficial information about something.
Experimenting
Once, the first encounters have been accomplished. The next step is getting to know your stepsibling a little bit more. So this involves talking about a wide range of topics and revealing some stuff about yourself but not going in depth about anything. In other words, you are experimenting to see if this relationship has a potential to be a close one.
Intensifying
After experimenting with your stepsibling you may feel like there is a special connection between you two and you might want to get closer to them. This involves intensifying the relationship. This can be done by disclosing personal information about yourself and involving more emotional disclosure. For instance, you guys could have a deep conversation about how you felt when you realized that your mom or dad was getting married to someone new. You could reveal your insecurities about having a new family and this will bring you closer to your stepsibling, but only if this is a two way street.
Integrating
By this time, stepsiblings are close to each other and do a lot of activities together. They hang out a lot and are almost referred to as a dyad. One usually does not go without the other. This means that there is a “we” in the relationship and that your family and extended family know that you get along really well with your new stepsister or stepbrother.
Although relationships need to constantly be worked on, it is important to understand that not all relationships follow these four steps in order. There may be times when at the start of this new family environment you stepsibling finds you crying in the staircase and you decide to self disclose how emotionally hard this living situation is for you to him or her even though you don’t really know them. However, throughout the relationship you will experiment to see if your self-disclosure was a good idea and if you can repeat this as the years go by.
It is hard moving into a new living environment with a stepfamily and developing a loving and close relationship with your stepsibling(s) is not the easiest thing either. Having said that, it is crucial to remember that communication is key. It is important to initiate a relationship with your stepbrother or stepsister, to tell them about yourself in a way that lets them get to know you more personally, be there for them emotionally and physically, be understanding that you will see the positive side but also the negative side of them on a daily basis and to use effective ways to manage conflict when it arises. All these require the use of effective and supportive communication. Another aspect of a stepsibling relationship to keep in mind is that there will be turning points in your relationship and these can be either positive or negative but to remember that in the long run if treated right they will bring you closer. Finally, you can’t expect a relationship to just happen. It will require work and effort on both sides, but once the conversation has been initiated, it will be possible to experiment and hopefully in the long run intensify the relationship to have it be one of the closest relationships you will ever have.
Remember to love your stepsibling and to be there for them because this type of relationship is one of the most important you will have in your life.
Remember to love your stepsibling and to be there for them because this type of relationship is one of the most important you will have in your life.